Contemplation on Passers By

You know, I was just thinking.
I mentioned in yesterday's blog post about a group of intimidating five girls. About my age. 13 year olds. You know, it was actually quite scary how they all looked completely the same. Three with honey-brown hair, one with blondish-brown hair, one with black hair, kind of different lengths, but all layered exactly the same way, and there was no way of distinguishing them by their style. They were all skinny jeans, ugg boots, dolly shoes, hoodies, jackets, tops. There was no unique element about them at all. They were all like cruelly made clones of one another, giggling empty, hollow laughs and having shallow, meaningless conversations, degrading others and being disagreeable.

And I found myself thinking, so this is what the privileged few look like.
You know who I'm talking about. The popular, the so-called pretty, the ones who get all the boys.
I so yearn to be like them half the time, but I don't want to grow up being a clone. I want to stand out somewhat, I want to be unique. Not just in style, but also in thought and mind and character. I want to make heads turn, and not at how much I fit in, but at how much I stand out.

My feelings were highlighted that day as , when we left Primark, we passed a group of four young women, in their twenties or so. They were shockingly daring in their style, and so utterly perfect. They were beautiful. I was drooling as they walked passed confidently, thin and tall, heads in the air. They were the gods and we were the immortals, and they knew it. One of them stood out particularly, she had gorgeous blonde hair cut daringly short, flicking jaggedly in her face, her thinness would have looked ugly on anyone else but she just looked elegant in this beautiful blue floaty dress, strapless, and shapeless, but not too baggy. She was perfect.

And that got me thinking again. But I don't want to be this kind of unique either. I don't want to be so arrogant and aware of my beauty that I make people feel uncomfortable in themselves. That made me recall the Sunday out with Robin and his mother. On our way in the High Street, some extraordinarily beautiful people crossed the road, and walked in front of us for some time. I think they were foreign - French or German. There was a couple, and another woman. I still remember how they looked. The single woman was very tall, slim but with sufficient assets, a honey tan, short layered blonde hair. She had on bright red shorts and a red and white checkered top with a tie that tied above her navel. The shorts matched some painfully high red heels that she strode in without difficulty. She wore a pair of dark sunglasses that she kept lifting over her eyes and down. The couple: The man was stylishly casual, and fully aware that he was walking with the most glamourous women on the street. His partner was more subtle than the other woman, but completely elegant. She had long, beige-blonde hair in layers down her back, that completely matched her beige nylon tight fitting top, and her beige leather mini skirt, and beige high-heeled shoes.
Anyway, the minute they saw us, they looked at us like they were insects, and they seemed so aware of the fact that we were apparently dowdy/ugly and they were beautiful/stylish.
In brief, they made me feel like dirt.

So, I don't want to be a conforming clone. But I dont want to be a cruel individual, either.

How can that work?

Sleepy

Hey, I'm in bed on the laptop, at ten minutes to eleven, currently fighting sleep. I am soo tired.

Went into town with Rachel today. Bit later than we'd hoped but it was great.-Drove in
-Got slightly lost as to where Cheltenham was (Trust me!)
-Headed straight for Primark (I never fail to surprise. Not.)
-Spent about an hour and a bit in Primark. All the summer sales were on. I was in heaven. I could hear the Hallelujah Chorus and there was birdsong and little angels with jewel-encrusted halos hovering in majestic presence round my happy head singing "Affordability! Affordability!"
-Went for this amazing black jumper, floaty, three quarter length gathered sleeves and gathered hem. So gorgeous. Then went and just tore two gorgeous looking tight fitted tops off the rack. Grey and black. Denim.Co. So gorgeous. Grabbed a belt at the last minute and headed into the changing rooms with Rachel.
-Changing rooms assistant glared at me when I tried to go in. I was so polite, as well. I was like "3 pieces". When I proceeded she was all "You cant take bags in". Reffering to the shopping basket thing. I was all simpery and giggly and "oh, Sorry." What did she take me for?!?!?! Lairy Cow.
-Once in changing room, did a little parade in front of the mirror. Decided on a tight fitting, black and white sripy longish top. Rather vintage looking. Ditched a long blue and white top. Dumped the beautiful jumper - decided it was too plain for wearing outside but too gorgeous for wearing in school. I loved it but it would be underappreciated by the public and at the moment I care slightly too much about what the public think to abandon all my scruples and live a little.
-Went upstairs. Got hold of two pairs of tights. One skin coloured, one black. Intimidating teenage girls shopping for tights there. Scary people. I got all sweaty and "Ohmygawwd they're looking at me they're thinking I'm a freak they're thinking I'm a nerd They're thinking I'm coloured They know me I'm the person they're laughing about". Aaah dear. How I must fight this insecurity.
-Purchased items. Embarassing incident where the shopassistant was like "next" and i missed it. He was the one I was vowing not to embarassing myself in front of by missing his call. Because he was a young intimidating brunetter, and there was this youngish black equally intimidating guy talking to him. They were effing and blinding about how "He used to be so good with money" or something or the other. How could they do that in front of a customer? My customerly insticts were righteously offended. And rightfully so. lol (:
-Rachel wanted to go for Auntie Sallie's Cookies. I had to buy, obviously. Didn't want to be rude. More scary people in cafe. Two teenage boys, two teenage girls. Sat in close proximity of less scary people. A middle age women and a teenage girl, about eighteen or nineteen, quite pretty, brunette, skinny jeans, gorgeous vintage top. The reason I wasn't intimidated was because she was obviously with her mum or something and that just made it all okay. Because of this I started to develop an affinity for my seat-sharers. I stared at them and listened to their voices. What a creep I am (: But all this was not to last. I spotted a bunch of year 11 chavs loping towards it. I think they'd spotted me. And Rachel was still drinking her Smoothie. The Smoothie she'd abandoned me on the table to get. And run the risk of me looking like a gooseberry. How awful. I was so scared. I was like "What shall i do? Make a stand? I definetly can't stay here. " SO I made a stand. i was proud of myself and ashamed at the same time. Proud because I suggested something. Ashamed because I'd run away from a problem. I said to Rachel "Do you want to drink and walk?"
-Rachel decided we go to the cinema. I thought that was quite a cool idea, but got hell from mum from it afterwards. Ah well. Apparently "We aren't 18, we're 13. You can't just let us know you're going to the cinema. You have to ASK. Jeez". Watched Hancock. I thought it would be crap . It was quite good though. I bought some small sweet popcorn and an Oasis bottle. Proud of this achievement. I must learn to let go of money easier. Rachie paid for the cine tickets, bless her.
-Minute we got out, phone started ringing. Nightmare. Couldn't find the phone!!! Thought it was at the depths of the paper Primark bag. Rushed to the Italian restaurant outside Cineworld and fumbled clumsily through it. The flimsy thing tore all the way down!!! And I could still hear the ringing. Well it stopped after a while. Moment of panic where I thought I'd left it in the cinema. Rachel was laughing. I'm so glad she was. I would have hated it if she'd thought I was panicky. Anyway, found it. It wasn't in the bag. It was in my handbag. Because it's so small it was just in a angle so I couldn't find it. And thats a very small handbag. I must learn to get less panicky and be more thorough and rush less.
-Got to Trinity Carpark. Crossed road and went to church carpark. Then saw mum waving madly from other side of road. Realised it was other carpark. Got in car. Mum a bit lairy. Can't say I blame her. It was lovely of her to take us back. Bless her.
-Watched Friends and went on internet for rest of day.
-Here I am now.
-Am going to switch off laptop now and get some rest. The whole house is asleep apart from me. I always stay up the latest.
-Good night. Sleep tight. God Bless.
X

Summer

Summer has come, and with it many dreams, complications and worries that I would rather not handle at the moment.

My life would be a lot more simpler without this. I have to make some really big, life-changing decisions and I don't really know where to turn. And there is just a whole lot of pressure and it's so hard.

I think I just need to get away for a while or to escape. Whether this is from myself, I do not know.

I can't really put my emotions into words any better than this, I find it very hard to write about them as I tend to keep them bottled up. This is probably because I do not really know what my emotions are.